Life is all about breaking and creating. Just create once more than you break.
Have you ever felt like you’re about to lose everything, and like it’s all your own fault? I’ve been there more than once. In this post, I share my story and what it taught me:
- Why it’s not your fault, but your responsibility, and how that shift gives you back the power to create a life that truly feels like yours
- How a rejected scholarship and a move to another country became my healing journey, out of an eating disorder and depression and back to myself
- What relationships can teach us about losing and finding ourselves, and why no one can complete you, but the right person can help you grow
About Losing Yourself
Lately, I’ve come face to face with a deep, deep fear: the fear of losing everything I have. It comes up when it feels like your life is shattering. And worst of all, when it feels like it’s your own fault.
So let me start with one harsh thought I truly believe in: Yes, it is your responsibility. But it doesn’t need to be called “your fault.” Fault sounds negative. It creates guilt and shame. And life is simply this: losing and finding. Breaking and creating. Showing up every single day to find your way back to your inner roots. Being challenged by the noise around you and still holding on to the quiet knowing inside you that already points the way.
So no, it’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility. And that gives you back the power to create the life you already know, deep down, is aligned with you.
Almost three years ago, sitting in my 10 m² bedroom in a shared flat in Hamburg, I made a plan: I would go to Australia to study abroad. I had no idea how it would turn out.
I didn’t know how much work it would take to sort out my finances, apply to the university and handle all the paperwork, while continuing my studies and moving onto a boat with friends. I didn’t know that I would be accepted, and that after a short break sailing along the coasts of France, Spain and Portugal, I would actually continue my studies in Australia. I didn’t know that I would meet the most beautiful, adventurous people while feeling deeply uncomfortable every time I went out to socialize. I didn’t know that I would still feel like a loser – strange, weird, ugly, insecure, not liking myself – even while making the biggest leap of my life and moving abroad on my own.
And this is the heart of the story: I didn’t know that this would become a deeply healing journey. A journey back to the one desire I’d carried since leaving the hospital two years earlier – to finally be free of my eating disorder and depression. I didn’t know that my whole perspective would shift from running away without direction to walking towards something with clarity and trust.
I just didn’t know.
I still remember the day the answer came. I was waiting to hear from the university and the scholarship provider – the scholarship that would make everything possible, because without it, I could never have afforded to go. And then there it was: the red email in my inbox. My vision narrowed to a tunnel as I opened it.
“…we appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, we are unable to process your application at this point. We wish you all the best.”
Blank space. More blank space.
I sank to the floor. This was it. The Australia dream was over. My escape plan had crashed. Tears ran down my cheeks, and I couldn’t hold myself together. I was shattered.
But while I was sure this was the end of the story, a quiet voice inside me whispered: Find another way. Try again.
So I did. I reached out to the organization, rewrote my application, researched other options and applied again. I knew I was already late. But somewhere deep inside, I still had hope.
And spoiler: it worked. Not easily. Not on time. But it worked.
Today I’m sitting on the athletics track of the university where I studied two years ago. The track where I rediscovered my love for sports. The campus that holds so many memories with lovely people. Everything is still here – only the so-called “me” has changed a little.
Because today I’m not here to study, or to meet friends, or to train. I’m here because I’m working on my own brand. A big dream that was born right here.
“Dream big. What would you do if money didn’t matter?” a friend once asked me. And I answered: “I would create my own sportswear brand with sustainable fabrics. And I would love to talk openly about eating disorders and depression. Because it helped me so much that other people did. That they wrote books, recorded audios and created courses to show others that there is more to life than whatever we feel stuck in.”
And surprise: today I’m the co-founder of a sportswear brand, and I’ve started this blog.
Honestly, it still feels small to me. Even a little ridiculous. Who reads blogs anymore, when everyone has a podcast or a YouTube channel? But you know what – I don’t care. Because I’ve realized it’s not about doing what works best for others. It’s about doing what works for me, right now. That will take me further than any plan borrowed from someone else.
While I keep discovering new faces, sides and characters within myself, I also know how easy it is to lose yourself – especially in relationships. Because that’s where we most want to be accepted, loved and seen.
I believe relationships are both the most dangerous and the safest place to grow. It all depends on whether you’re ready to open your eyes and see what you need to work on. Whether you’re ready to face old traumas, have the tough conversations and keep working on it, every single day.
The idea of finding someone who completes you only works in Hollywood. I don’t believe it leads to a healthy, lasting relationship. To me, it’s about partnering up with someone to help each other grow. To help each other glow. And sometimes, to help each other go. Mostly, it’s about each of you walking your own path – side by side, on the same sidewalk.
So this is a reminder – mostly for myself, I think: when you feel lost, when it feels like you’re losing everything and the fear kicks in, that fear is pointing you home. Home to yourself.
Nobody else can do this search for you. Nobody can walk this path for you. And that is the greatest power each of us has. We’re all on the same journey, just on different paths, at different stages, in different parts of the world.
So let’s be kind to one another. And kind to ourselves.
All the love,
Katja 🌿
