We wait for others to see our pain, but healing begins the moment we choose to see ourselves.
It’s not the fact that we think about our past that hurts us. It’s how we do it.
When we look back, our attention often goes straight to the pain. To the drama. To the sadness that shaped us. And if we’re honest, sometimes we even cling to it—because deep down, we want others to see what we’ve endured. We want our wounds to be recognized. We want our struggles to be respected.
That’s human. We all want to be seen. But the truth is, the recognition we’re waiting for won’t ever be enough if we’re still refusing to see ourselves.
Why We Hold On to Pain
Psychologists call this the negativity bias: our brains are wired to focus more on painful experiences than neutral or positive ones. Evolutionarily, this helped us survive. But in everyday life, it can trap us in cycles of regret, replaying old hurts in hopes that someone else will finally validate them.
And yes, being witnessed by others is powerful. Relationships matter. But waiting for the outside world to heal your inside pain often keeps you stuck. Because even when others acknowledge your story, the ache remains—until youacknowledge it yourself.
The Role of Self-Respect
The solution is not to erase your past or pretend it didn’t happen. The solution is to respect yourself for having gone through it. To give yourself the recognition you’ve been waiting for from others.
Self-respect here means saying:
- “Yes, this was hard.”
- “Yes, it shaped me.”
- “Yes, I lived through it, and I’m still here.”
That acknowledgment is not weakness—it’s the beginning of strength.
Healing Is an Inside Job
Healing doesn’t come from others finally seeing us the way we want to be seen. It comes from us turning inward, naming our pain, and choosing to honor it without letting it define us.
Neuroscience shows that when we reframe our experiences, the brain creates new neural pathways—literally changing the way our memories affect us. In other words, when we see ourselves differently, the story changes.
Moving Forward
So, the next time the past comes knocking, notice what’s really happening. Are you replaying old pain to punish yourself? To seek validation? Or can you pause, and say: I see myself. I respect what I went through. And I choose to carry it differently now.
Because letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means shifting from shame to self-respect. From waiting for others to see you—to finally seeing yourself.
Your past is part of you, but it doesn’t have to hurt forever. The more you honor what you’ve lived through, the less power it has to keep you stuck. Healing isn’t found outside—it’s grown inside. And it starts the moment you finally see yourself.
With care,
Katja – Creator of HOMELESS
