An eating disorder is not about food—it’s about all the words we never learned to say.
Relationships are one of the most beautiful parts of being human—and at the same time, one of the hardest. They can bring joy, comfort, and connection, but also pain, fear, and deep insecurity.
For me, the challenge has often been communication. Not because I didn’t want to be close, but because I never really learned how to communicate myself honestly. Saying what I felt or thought always carried a risk: the risk of losing the relationship, of being rejected, of being shamed. So, I stayed quiet.
And the longer I hid my voice for others, the more I hid it from myself.
Hiding Yourself from Others Means Hiding Yourself from Yourself
When you silence your own feelings to “keep the peace,” it doesn’t just affect the relationship—it affects you. You begin to numb, to shut down parts of yourself that are inconvenient or “too much.” At some point, you stop feeling entirely, because to feel would mean to admit what you’ve been avoiding all along.
Psychologists call this self-silencing. Research shows it’s linked to higher levels of depression, shame, and even disordered eating. When we deny our inner voice long enough, it looks for another outlet. For me, that outlet became an eating disorder.
Eating Disorders and Shame
An eating disorder is not about food—it’s about communication. About the unspoken feelings we never learned to name. For me, it was a language of shame.
Shame about my body. Shame about my feelings. Shame about not being “strong enough” to just get back on track and be “normal.”
And with shame comes guilt. The guilt of believing you’ve failed. Failed to be in control, failed to be disciplined, failed to live up to what others (or you yourself) expect. This is why eating disorders can feel like a private prison: you are both the prisoner and the guard.
Why Communication Matters
Every relationship—whether with a partner, a parent, a friend, or yourself—is built on communication. Not just words, but everything we do: silence, gestures, avoidance, and even symptoms like disordered eating. It’s all communication.
The good news? Communication is not a fixed skill. It can be learned. Just like we learned to hide, we can also learn to speak, to share, and to show up more authentically.
Neuroscience backs this up: our brains are wired for neuroplasticity. This means we are capable of creating new patterns of thought, new habits of expression, and new ways of relating.
Moving Toward Authentic Connection
Here’s what I’ve learned (and am still learning):
- Start with yourself. Journaling, therapy, or simply naming your feelings out loud in a safe space can help reconnect you with your inner voice.
- Small steps matter. You don’t have to reveal everything at once. Start by sharing one honest thought with someone you trust.
- Notice the shame. When shame shows up, treat it as a signal—not as truth. It’s not who you are. It’s a story you’ve been told.
- Remember relationships are mirrors. Triggers aren’t punishments—they’re opportunities to understand yourself better.
Everything is communication. Even our silence, even our symptoms, even our pain. But the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves. And when we start to communicate honestly there—naming, feeling, and sharing what’s real—we begin to show up differently in every other relationship, too.
Healing isn’t about never feeling fear or shame again. It’s about daring to be real, despite them.
With care,
Katja – Creator of HOMELESS
